It’s okay to ask for help

Authored by Elaine Froese

A heatwave is looming. Drought on the prairies is keeping folks awake at night. Farming folks are trying to cope with their brains on overload.

Where is it written in the farming book of rules that you always figure things out on your own and never ask for help? Where is that written in your family rule book? “Where is it written” is a phrase that pays to get clarity and challenge the status quo.

I was standing in my garden pulling quack grass when a distraught woman called me. Her lending institution gave her my number. “Elaine, I feel very humbled. I don’t like to ask for help.”

Her story is mirrored by many others. She trusted her in-laws to fulfill the promise of owning the farm. Death happened. Foreclosure followed. Finances were not paid attention to. This woman knew in her gut the lack of written agreements for farm transfer was not a good thing. She could not convince her spouse, her in-laws, nor her lender (!) that things needed to change. Now she is in a very sad spot.

Here are 3 key questions to start organizing your thoughts:

  1. Who is your emotional support group beyond your immediate family? If your parents and siblings cannot help you, then who can you turn to? Manitoba’s www.supportline.ca (1-866-367-3276) is a good place to reach out and start to have a sounding board. I also recommend that you contact your medical clinic, public health nurse to find out the best way to connect with a mental health worker. The Do More Ag Foundation has been hosting bi-weekly events which run until the end of July. The leader is Lauren Van Ewyk, a social worker and farmer who is a great help. This happens on zoom. Thanks to the FCC for sponsoring this great project. I have really enjoyed the sessions that I have booked on my calendar.

  2. What is the key issue keeping me anxious? Farm people are trusting folk. Sometimes that trust is not warranted, so I bang the drum of “get it all into written agreements.” I also talk a lot about managing your finances well and knowing your secure income streams. Many Canadians are taking advantage of the income supplements from the federal government, which requires that your tax filing is up to date. If you have been ignoring the obvious things that you should be paying attention to, then reach out to your local bank or credit union for a financial reboot with their financial planners. Don’t be afraid to talk about how hard it is to pay bills or pay debts. The Farm Debt Mediation Service was created for farmers to communicate in a safe respectful fashion with creditors. If creditors are calling, then find ways to have better communication with them and don’t ignore your financial stress. The western Canada TOLL-FREE number is 1-866-452-5556. I was a FDMS mediator for 10 years. The most awful meetings were the ones where a spouse was shocked to find out the true financial reality of the farm. No secrets. No surprises. Money needs to be managed. You can also reach out to www.cafanet.ca and find an advisor near you that cares about agriculture’s success.

  3. Why am I not taking action? Hope deferred makes the heart sick. You likely are sick about your current circumstances. Doing nothing is not going to bring different results. Procrastination is killing agriculture. Talk to the widow who has buried a spouse who did not get around to getting a will done or a power of attorney. Fear can be paralyzing, but you have just read above that there are people and resources willing to help you get unstuck. Depressed people don’t make rational decisions, so maybe a visit or telehealth call with your family doctor is a good starting point. Ask them to test you for depression with a list of questions they are trained to use. Stop accepting angry behavior, which is really a reflection of fear, hurt, and frustration. You get the behavior you accept. One farm woman opted for a “redemption separation” where she left the farm home for 3 years, waiting for her spouse to get healing from addiction, and then she returned to build a stronger marriage. Her intent in leaving “for a while” was clear. She did not intend to see the dissolution of her marriage, she intended for everyone to be healthy. Divorce did not become the outcome.

Decision Making 101

  1. Identify the problem.

  2. Research and reach out to find options to solve the problem.

  3. Pick the best option.

  4. Act.

  5. Evaluate how it worked. Make adjustments.

All of us during this Great Pause need to practice good self-care to be mentally resilient to the many degrees of uncertainty we are navigating. What gives you energy? Who can you call to connect within an emotionally healthy way? Would your local church have a benevolent fund that you could access?

You have 6 key roles to manage in order to be a self-renewing person:

Your self, your partner/spouse, your family, your farm, your friends, and your community. Sketch out 6 boxes and label them with all those roles. Plunk your 3 best ideas for keeping strong in each of the roles you navigate this summer. I’m planning to do more kayaking and have more campfires with chocolate. I make good use of my smartphone as a phone, not a texting instrument to stay connected to friends when we cannot visit in person. I connect to my faith community after YouTube virtual church (www.mbchurch.ca) on zoom.

There is no shame in asking for help. Be sensitive to the body language and facial expressions behind the masks you see in the local grocery store. Instead of asking “How are you?”, it is more helpful to ask “How are you doing ?” and wait to engage with the answer.

Separation and divorce on farms are amplified in this season. I’ve just met Sara McCullough, a Certified Divorce Analyst, a great fee-for-service planner, and I’ll be sharing more about her unique approach in a future article. Visit www.wddevelopment.ca to find out more.

Asking for help in these trying times is a good thing.

Elaine Froese, CAFA, CSP, CHICoach is wired to help farm families find harmony through understanding.

Did you enjoy It’s okay to ask for help? You might want to check these articles out too:

Resources and Tools to Help Your Farm and Business Why Founding Farmers are Hanging On and How to Help Them Let Go How to Help Farming Fathers Be Really Happy

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